I have an unknown eating disorder, in which it seems impossible to eat anything without dripping it on my shirt. I suspect a lot of others have this disorder as well. It’s a secret American tragedy, hidden in shame.

I actually keep a hand towel in my car (I’ve got dozens of them for my job) and I take it in when I’m eating at Chipotle or something. It embarrasses the shit out of my son, but I always point out that I’d rather look dumb for an hour in a restaurant, than have to look stupid everywhere I go, because I’m wearing my lunch on my shirt.

When we finish, I always show him my “bib,” so I can demonstrate all the drips that would have been on my shirt. He thinks I’m pathetic, but that’s normal.

Fish and Chips is one of the great culinary masterpieces, and so perfectly, elegantly simple, like Italian Red Sauce. I’ll give the Brits full credit on that one.

Beans are a staple side dish of BBQ, one of my very favorite foods, and it is often served with white bread, so we understand what it is. There’s just no reason to put the two together.

Besides, I know that with that first bite, a generous glob of beans is going to drool down the front of my shirt, and piss me off.

Yeah it’s the bread and pasta combo that’s gross, not the Spaghetti-Os, or that horrifying “sauce.”

We Americans have to put up with a lot of justifiable criticism about a lot of American things, but my English dudes, THIS? Even Americans know better.

NO! It’s not just baked beans from a can, you heathen!

It’s on toast.

Giggity

That is something up with which I will not put.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the humidity.

Handy

So…vexxing?

Send this list to Trump. His vocabulary is about 200 words.

I meant to sharpen my sword! It might as well be a club. Now I’ll just be beating people to death all day.