It’s not as simple as “put in effort → reach a threshold → find a life partner.” There’s a lot more that goes into it. There’s social skills, there’s luck, there’s being at the right place at the right time, there’s the mood your potential life partner is in at the moment of the first encounter, there’s the level of confidence you’re feeling that day and how willing you are to have that confidence potentially smashed by a harsh rejection. There’s also society collectively shaming guys who try too hard to find a partner. It’s not a matter of “if I just put in enough effort I’ll find a life partner.”
Giving up means the battle is over, but it doesn’t mean you’ve won. I can surrender and still feel bitter over it.
Is it a choice if it was my only option?
I know relationships are a lot of work. I’ve been in a few, two of them lasted over a year. The last one ended half a decade ago, but at times it still feels like yesterday.
I can’t put in that work though if I don’t have a partner. That would be pretty delusional, and sad. “Sorry, I can’t come out this weekend. I’m staying home with my imaginary wife.” Not that I have friends to go out with on the weekends either. It’s just me and my cat.
And yes, my cat adds sweetness to my life. I try not to think about the rest, so please stop suggesting I dwell on it more.
Well yeah of course it’s not as simple as that. We’re talking about a whole another human being here. You’re describing it like you want a checkbox “has a partner” ticked, not like you actually want what that entails. If you don’t want a boomer style, I-hate-my-wife kinda relationship, then dating doesn’t stop when you’re together, it would go on for the duration of the relationship. If you don’t like the game, then don’t complain about not playing it?
yeah, that’s not the same as making your peace with it though; that’s the opposite, called holding a grudge.
It wasn’t your only option, but you admitted several times already that you’re not willing to do what it takes. That’s your decision and that’s fine, but why blame others for the outcome?
And the rest of this… Man those are some issues. Staying at home when your partner needs you is “putting in work”, but we won’t even consider that those words could mean to work on yourself… Even after multiple relationships failed after the initial infatuation could not carry them anymore.
And after writing thousands of words defending being bitter at your own choices, you accuse others of making you dwell on this. The only one in control of what you write is you, so either you secretly enjoy it, or therapy can help you out of it way, way better.
As someone in a relationship I can tell you that there’s no problem with “the system”, only with the people.
I know relationships are a lot of work. I’ve been in a few, two of them lasted over a year. The last one ended half a decade ago, but at times it still feels like yesterday.
I can’t put in that work though if I don’t have a partner. That would be pretty delusional, and sad. “Sorry, I can’t come out this weekend. I’m staying home with my imaginary wife.” Not that I have friends to go out with on the weekends either. It’s just me and my cat.
And yes, my cat adds sweetness to my life. I try not to think about the rest, so please stop suggesting I dwell on it more.
And the rest of this… Man those are some issues. Staying at home when your partner needs you is “putting in work”, but we won’t even consider that those words could mean to work on yourself… Even after multiple relationships failed after the initial infatuation could not carry them anymore.
And after writing thousands of words defending being bitter at your own choices, you accuse others of making you dwell on this. The only one in control of what you write is you, so either you secretly enjoy it, or therapy can help you out of it way, way better.
As someone in a relationship I can tell you that there’s no problem with “the system”, only with the people.