I don’t have time or energy to read or respond to your entire comment because honestly who does.
One thing that really irks me is the “its impossible to meet women in public because they treat you like a creep when you approach them to find a date”
Women don’t like being treated like a romantic prospect pff the hop, but a lot are happy to meet new people. The important thing is not to approach anybody like a romantic prospect when you don’t know anything about them, because they know you’re doing it exclusively based on how they look.
The interactions that have seen the most success are the ones that aren’t presumptuous. Just talk to people in general like you’re trying to make friends rather than date and take it from there based on whether they actually seem interested in your company.
Just talk to people in general like you’re trying to make friends
You’re assuming I know how to make friends. I don’t have any of those either.
I have no social skills and overthink every situation. I’m always nervous in public, feeling like there are constantly eyes on my back waiting for anything that can be taken out of context and misrepresented. In public or private, I overthink everything I say and sound hesitant. Sometimes my eyes involuntarily roll up in my head while I’m thinking extra hard on people. Usually I can’t get a word out before somebody assumes what I’m thinking and gets upset. Other times I only get out half a sentence before they assume the other half. So I overthink things further, spiralling into analysis paralysis, and no matter what I do I can never seem to get my point across how it meant it.
I’m not good at real-time conversations. Especially when there are multiple people involved. There are too many factors to overthink, and I can’t keep up. Even if someone asks me what I think, I feel put on the spot and get nervous and blurt something out, usually that doesn’t land or even communicate what I really intended to say, because I didn’t have enough time to think about how I should phrase it.
So people say “just talk to women how you would talk to anyone else,” but what they don’t realize is that I’m not good at talking to anybody. And once a woman detects that I’m nervous (which doesn’t take long), she assumes I have an ulterior motive anyway, so at that point even saying I’m just looking for friendship is going to sound like a red flag to them.
Throughout my life, my best friend (and often only friend) at any given time has been my romantic partner at that time. So there’s a lot of blurry area where I’m not sure what falls under “friendship” and what falls under “romance.” So even if I try to make friends, there’s probably going to be a lot of second-guessing and occasional “more-than-friends” signals.
Plus I just don’t know how to maintain a friendship without prioritizing someone how I would a romantic partner. There have been times when I tried to avoid dating, and just making friends, but people thought I was flirting with every friend that I made so everyone stopped talking to me.
I simply don’t understand how to socialize like a “normal” person.
You have to practice and suck for a while, living is all a process of trial and error. Don’t blame your lack of practice and skill on other people if you haven’t gone out of your comfort zone to learn.
You said women assume the worst when you approach them. Use that pattern recognition all humans have and run some tests instead of assuming all women will react the same way to you. Because they’re not reacting to you, they’re reacting to your behaviour.
Ask yourself why and try a few different things. You’re gonna fail, but you have to learn to move on from that to build your confidence.
If you want to build connection, you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability.
I’m autistic and am no stranger to misinterpreted signals. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean my social interactions are all fine and dandy. I flip between thinking everyone is crushing on me and everyone hates me, and this is a normal human experience that everybody goes through. You have to learn to let go of people sometimes and learn which interactions tend to lead to better connection, but you will get nowhere if you do not try, and you will get nowhere faster if you don’t try and you avoid social interactions because of an outcome you are assuming will happen.
I will reiterate. I am diagnosed autistic. I STILL do not know how to socialize as a normal person, and I have accepted that I never will. It is time you also accept you will never know what is normal, and figure out what works for you through trial and error and vulnerability.
Here’s hoping you find your confidence. Godspeed 🫡
You have to practice and suck for a while, living is all a process of trial and error. Don’t blame your lack of practice and skill on other people if you haven’t gone out of your comfort zone to learn.
Yeah, most people go through that process in elementary and middle school, when I was isolated in religious homeschooling. Throughout the rest of my life, I’ve always been at least 5 years behind in terms of social development, on top of probably being undiagnosed autistic (which I’ve heard from multiple people at different times and places in my life).
People notice that sort of thing. A 25 year old who acts like a 20 year old? A 30 year old who acts like a 25 year old? People call it “cringe” and “immature,” and it removes any ability for me to practice those skills by socializing, which compounds the effect instead of catching me up.
Because they’re not reacting to you, they’re reacting to your behaviour.
Yes, my behavior is “nervous, second-guessing, and full of self-doubt,” which the majority of women have been programmed by influencers to view as red flags.
You’re gonna fail, but you have to learn to move on from that to build your confidence.
Except, every time I fail I get another demerit. It doesn’t just add another rejection to crush my self-esteem, it adds another tally on my score card, which social media gossip turns into “total creep, been rejected by a dozen women; avoid at all costs.” So why would I not stop trying? That doesn’t build confidence.
If you want to build connection, you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability.
People say this, but anytime I’ve shown vulnerability, people sense a sign of weakness and immediately dogpile on it. People say men should feel more comfortable showing their emotional side, as if it’s a personal failing on the man’s part and not a socially enforced structure that punishes men for showing emotion.
I’m autistic and am no stranger to misinterpreted signals. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean my social interactions are all fine and dandy.
I mean, that sounds challenging and I’m sorry you go through that. I’m not trying to minimize your experiences. But women with autistic traits are viewed as quirky. That probably gets annoying and attracts pests, but do you realize how society views men with autistic traits? I would love if people only thought I was quirky.
If I infodump about my special interests, people call it mansplaining. If I have a meltdown, people call it a fragile male ego. If I’m very particular about some things (arrangements, patterns, combinations, etc.), people call it domineering. If I get frustrated over something, people call it male aggression. If I’m weird, people call it cringe. If I fail to understand social nuance, people call it manipulative. If I can’t read the room or catch a hint or read subtext, people accuse me of transgressing boundaries. People expect me just to magically read people’s minds and understand everything, and if I don’t because I can’t, people attribute it to toxic masculine traits. If I have a quirk or a tick or a stim or anything else, people find the most uncharitable possible explanations and accuse me of having some deliberately malicious intent.
and you will get nowhere faster if you don’t try and you avoid social interactions because of an outcome you are assuming will happen.
I’m not assuming what will happen. I’ve had over a decade of adulthood to attempt to learn how to socialize by stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new social interactions, and after being relentlessly crushed for it I finally decided to stop bashing my head against a brick wall as if this time maybe it’ll fall down.
I STILL do not know how to socialize as a normal person, and I have accepted that I never will. It is time you also accept you will never know what is normal, and figure out what works for you through trial and error and vulnerability.
Yup. What works for me is: never leave the basement, order my groceries to be delivered, forget about ever finding a fulfilling career, give up on the dream of finding wholesome friendships, spend all day with my cat, get all my socialization requirements from the threadiverse, and immerse myself in enough books and hobbies that I can avoid thinking about what life could have been. Oh, and aggressively push away any memories of all the times I’ve embarrassed myself whenever they rise to the surface.
Here’s hoping you find your confidence. Godspeed 🫡
I genuinely do appreciate the sympathy, even though it might not sound like I do. I just don’t have any hope for myself anymore, and it gives me more peace of mind than striving for something better ever did.
What I’m hearing from you is that it’s not other people that aren’t giving you the time of day, it’s you that is not interested in other people.
That’s totally fine, to each their own, but I just don’t understand why one would complain on the internet that they’re not having successful interactions with women when they’re not really attempting to have interactions with women.
I’ve chosen to not be interested in other people because I got tired of the constant pain, rejection, and disappointed. Not to mention the mean things that people say about you once they decide that you’re weird.
Why would I continue trying to have interactions with women when they’ve made it clear at this point that they view all men as potential predators and would rather spend time in the woods with a bear than with a man?
It seems the only guys that would still even try to approach women after that discourse either don’t listen to women’s concerns or don’t care about them even when they do hear.
I don’t have time or energy to read or respond to your entire comment because honestly who does.
One thing that really irks me is the “its impossible to meet women in public because they treat you like a creep when you approach them to find a date”
Women don’t like being treated like a romantic prospect pff the hop, but a lot are happy to meet new people. The important thing is not to approach anybody like a romantic prospect when you don’t know anything about them, because they know you’re doing it exclusively based on how they look.
The interactions that have seen the most success are the ones that aren’t presumptuous. Just talk to people in general like you’re trying to make friends rather than date and take it from there based on whether they actually seem interested in your company.
You’re assuming I know how to make friends. I don’t have any of those either.
I have no social skills and overthink every situation. I’m always nervous in public, feeling like there are constantly eyes on my back waiting for anything that can be taken out of context and misrepresented. In public or private, I overthink everything I say and sound hesitant. Sometimes my eyes involuntarily roll up in my head while I’m thinking extra hard on people. Usually I can’t get a word out before somebody assumes what I’m thinking and gets upset. Other times I only get out half a sentence before they assume the other half. So I overthink things further, spiralling into analysis paralysis, and no matter what I do I can never seem to get my point across how it meant it.
I’m not good at real-time conversations. Especially when there are multiple people involved. There are too many factors to overthink, and I can’t keep up. Even if someone asks me what I think, I feel put on the spot and get nervous and blurt something out, usually that doesn’t land or even communicate what I really intended to say, because I didn’t have enough time to think about how I should phrase it.
So people say “just talk to women how you would talk to anyone else,” but what they don’t realize is that I’m not good at talking to anybody. And once a woman detects that I’m nervous (which doesn’t take long), she assumes I have an ulterior motive anyway, so at that point even saying I’m just looking for friendship is going to sound like a red flag to them.
Throughout my life, my best friend (and often only friend) at any given time has been my romantic partner at that time. So there’s a lot of blurry area where I’m not sure what falls under “friendship” and what falls under “romance.” So even if I try to make friends, there’s probably going to be a lot of second-guessing and occasional “more-than-friends” signals.
Plus I just don’t know how to maintain a friendship without prioritizing someone how I would a romantic partner. There have been times when I tried to avoid dating, and just making friends, but people thought I was flirting with every friend that I made so everyone stopped talking to me.
I simply don’t understand how to socialize like a “normal” person.
Nobody starts out knowing what they’re doing.
You have to practice and suck for a while, living is all a process of trial and error. Don’t blame your lack of practice and skill on other people if you haven’t gone out of your comfort zone to learn.
You said women assume the worst when you approach them. Use that pattern recognition all humans have and run some tests instead of assuming all women will react the same way to you. Because they’re not reacting to you, they’re reacting to your behaviour.
Ask yourself why and try a few different things. You’re gonna fail, but you have to learn to move on from that to build your confidence.
If you want to build connection, you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability.
I’m autistic and am no stranger to misinterpreted signals. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean my social interactions are all fine and dandy. I flip between thinking everyone is crushing on me and everyone hates me, and this is a normal human experience that everybody goes through. You have to learn to let go of people sometimes and learn which interactions tend to lead to better connection, but you will get nowhere if you do not try, and you will get nowhere faster if you don’t try and you avoid social interactions because of an outcome you are assuming will happen.
I will reiterate. I am diagnosed autistic. I STILL do not know how to socialize as a normal person, and I have accepted that I never will. It is time you also accept you will never know what is normal, and figure out what works for you through trial and error and vulnerability.
Here’s hoping you find your confidence. Godspeed 🫡
Yeah, most people go through that process in elementary and middle school, when I was isolated in religious homeschooling. Throughout the rest of my life, I’ve always been at least 5 years behind in terms of social development, on top of probably being undiagnosed autistic (which I’ve heard from multiple people at different times and places in my life).
People notice that sort of thing. A 25 year old who acts like a 20 year old? A 30 year old who acts like a 25 year old? People call it “cringe” and “immature,” and it removes any ability for me to practice those skills by socializing, which compounds the effect instead of catching me up.
Yes, my behavior is “nervous, second-guessing, and full of self-doubt,” which the majority of women have been programmed by influencers to view as red flags.
Except, every time I fail I get another demerit. It doesn’t just add another rejection to crush my self-esteem, it adds another tally on my score card, which social media gossip turns into “total creep, been rejected by a dozen women; avoid at all costs.” So why would I not stop trying? That doesn’t build confidence.
People say this, but anytime I’ve shown vulnerability, people sense a sign of weakness and immediately dogpile on it. People say men should feel more comfortable showing their emotional side, as if it’s a personal failing on the man’s part and not a socially enforced structure that punishes men for showing emotion.
I mean, that sounds challenging and I’m sorry you go through that. I’m not trying to minimize your experiences. But women with autistic traits are viewed as quirky. That probably gets annoying and attracts pests, but do you realize how society views men with autistic traits? I would love if people only thought I was quirky.
If I infodump about my special interests, people call it mansplaining. If I have a meltdown, people call it a fragile male ego. If I’m very particular about some things (arrangements, patterns, combinations, etc.), people call it domineering. If I get frustrated over something, people call it male aggression. If I’m weird, people call it cringe. If I fail to understand social nuance, people call it manipulative. If I can’t read the room or catch a hint or read subtext, people accuse me of transgressing boundaries. People expect me just to magically read people’s minds and understand everything, and if I don’t because I can’t, people attribute it to toxic masculine traits. If I have a quirk or a tick or a stim or anything else, people find the most uncharitable possible explanations and accuse me of having some deliberately malicious intent.
I’m not assuming what will happen. I’ve had over a decade of adulthood to attempt to learn how to socialize by stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new social interactions, and after being relentlessly crushed for it I finally decided to stop bashing my head against a brick wall as if this time maybe it’ll fall down.
Yup. What works for me is: never leave the basement, order my groceries to be delivered, forget about ever finding a fulfilling career, give up on the dream of finding wholesome friendships, spend all day with my cat, get all my socialization requirements from the threadiverse, and immerse myself in enough books and hobbies that I can avoid thinking about what life could have been. Oh, and aggressively push away any memories of all the times I’ve embarrassed myself whenever they rise to the surface.
I genuinely do appreciate the sympathy, even though it might not sound like I do. I just don’t have any hope for myself anymore, and it gives me more peace of mind than striving for something better ever did.
What I’m hearing from you is that it’s not other people that aren’t giving you the time of day, it’s you that is not interested in other people.
That’s totally fine, to each their own, but I just don’t understand why one would complain on the internet that they’re not having successful interactions with women when they’re not really attempting to have interactions with women.
I’ve chosen to not be interested in other people because I got tired of the constant pain, rejection, and disappointed. Not to mention the mean things that people say about you once they decide that you’re weird.
Why would I continue trying to have interactions with women when they’ve made it clear at this point that they view all men as potential predators and would rather spend time in the woods with a bear than with a man?
It seems the only guys that would still even try to approach women after that discourse either don’t listen to women’s concerns or don’t care about them even when they do hear.