I feel even worse knowing that aside from being a depressed loser I’m also a coward.

They had the courage to go and dickpress that button. Takes balls to dickpress a button.

Oof. You didn’t have to hit me baby one more time.

My coworker with sick days: I don’t want to waste them, I want to go on a month vacation so I’m coming in sick and getting you all sick.

Little column a, little column b

Also, we’re not calling it a bowel movement, it’s a Bodily Cleansing Event.

“I literally don’t understand, it’s 30° and the ice isn’t melting! I don’t get it!”

…yep. you don’t get it. So glad you influence so many people…

Where’s Ken M when you need them.

I’d expect a response like “well if it’s California it would only appear to hurt more, but that’s only because there are more actors in California.”

Literally the opposite for me…

I bought at 7k and listened to my family telling me it’s a scam and I’d be the idiot left holding the bag when everyone sold off so I sold at like 15k or something, I don’t remember exactly what. Double, sure, but every time I see that 100k I get so mad for listening to them…

To͚ŗ̵͖͍̀͝mḁ̖ͨ͑͊ḥ̖͚ͩͦ͂̈s tḫe̮ͩͤ Ţ͉̭̠ͬ̄͊â̳nk̡̫ͧ̒͘ang̡̱̰ͩ̆̽̕a͖̓̊

Imagine we actually got the future the cartoons of the past promised. We’d all be terrified of drunk/stupid people in flying cars crashing through our roof at all times of the day lol

“I’m filing a complaint about a broken snailperson button. I must have pressed it 35 times and never did I get, nor turn into, a snailperson.”

What can I say, I have Italian ancestry so I love garlic! That’s what made it a competition as well, who could take the garlic breath the longest got a bike!

With the ramps. Dirt ramps don’t kiss very well though…

My childhood! A friend named Derek and everything! I was even the one who’d be most likely to hit my head testing ramps we made out in the woods for our bikes lol

Future archeologist trying to carbon date my pan:

“WTF is this thing!? There are so many different layers of carbon!”

I did and the results were kinda hilarious.

I was working as a technician at the time and went to a theater I wasn’t familiar with, I needed to use the bathroom and saw a few people cleaning so I asked them if the knew where the bathroom was.

“No ingles, no ingles!”

Oh good I can try my Spanish! “Donde estas el bano?”

“No ingles, no ingles!”

…but I’m speaking Spanish now… Lol

Nah, if that were the case I’d be Twelve.

🎶parmigiano take the wheel 🎶